Have you ever been in a situation where you want to say something that conveys more than just discontent? Have you ever wanted to one-up your friends when complaining about the Ratty’s quality of food? Have you ever been reluctantly impressed by the eloquence of terrorists while being distracted by their hate crimes? Well, you’re in luck. Here are the top 5 most unique phrases you can use when you’ve been inconvenienced by the world.
- Death to the West: Starting off strong we have the string of words that will incite fear and uncertainty into the hearts of anyone in the vicinity. Standing in a 30 minute line at the Ivy Room only to receive a cold piece of fake chicken? Use this handy-dandy phrase to express that you are sick and tired of Western Society and would prefer if we lived under an authoritarian dictatorship that promised only war and chaos. Mutter it under your breath with a roll of the eyes or yell it from the rooftops of the SciLi for all of your professors and comrades to hear. Be warned, this phrase may be met with some difficult reactions. Most people aren’t accustomed to hearing a college-age student in Rhode Island curse the United States and its allies. You might offend the masses, but don’t worry! Give it some time and you’ll attract fellow anarchists who also want all civil law to be upended.
- Devastation Reigns in this Land: This not-so-commonly used turn of phrase can be deployed after receiving a particularly disappointing piece of news. When you fail a midterm that was worth more than 40% of your grade, say “devastation reigns in this land” and feel your woes instantly melt away. When you wake up the day after your twentieth birthday having accidentally overdosed on the off-brand CVS version of Benadryl, “devastation certainly reigns in this land.” What is so great about this simple little phrase is that its benefits are actually backed by science. Psychologists have discovered that when you acknowledge that your own personal failings are actually a reflection of the governing system of your country, you are guaranteed to feel at least 12% better than before. So, next time you just want to drown yourself in your own tears on the concrete floor of your basement, say “devastation reigns in this land” instead, and save a life.
- It Doesn’t Get Much Worse Than This: You’ve heard the age-old saying “it doesn’t get much better than this,” and now I present to you the antithesis of that jolly, infantile phrase. When you are cold, wet, and have a paper due the next day, exclaim to your friends that “it doesn’t get much worse than this.” More often than not the response will be consoling, like “it’s okay, you’ll get all your work done and still have time to get blackout drunk on Wednesday like you planned,” or “it’s okay, he wasn’t even rich,” or even “actually it can get much worse.” Let these responses roll off your back and allow your brain to acknowledge that this moment – the moment you realize that the V-Dub is serving onion rings instead of french fries – is the worst it can get. When you say this, know that you have reached the pinnacle of human suffering and nothing compares to your pain.
- “I’m Gonna Steal the Declaration of Independence”: This direct quote from a Nicolas Cage movie that I don’t know the name of is a great way to disarm your audience. Saying this in the face of adversity might leave your friends confused and concerned for your mental wellbeing. But before they cart you off to a mental institution for an insurance-funded vacation, explain to them the intricacies of this highly intellectual phrase. You see, when you’re hunkered down in your room writing the third sentence of your fifteen page final paper due the next day, you want nothing more than to? escape; to flee. Now, it would be very irresponsible of you to book a several thousand dollar trip to Aruba and disappear without a trace into the night. Declaring to commit a federal felony by threatening the theft of government property, however, is a great way to express your feelings and, if you actually go through with it, you will get a nice headline in some local paper, negating the need to write an email to your professor.
- Karl Will Pay for This: Perhaps the most mysterious phrase of all is “Karl Will Pay for This.” Who is Karl? What is he paying for? What events have led this person to know a Karl who must pay for something? Say this after you find out your favorite TV show has been canceled and insinuate that someone named Karl was behind it all along, or say it promptly after finishing an all nighter implying that you have just committed some nefarious act that Karl has employed you for. This truly is a renaissance man of a statement. Because it has eluded the sticky grasp of pop culture, it is relatively easy to use in any situation, seeing as no one will question you on it. Soak up that superiority, feel that power, harness that greed.
As you can see, there are more than enough pithy little quotes to get you by in life without defaulting to the ridiculously moronic status quo. Give one of these semi-original phrases a whirl and marvel at your triumph over the simpletons in your life.