I have anxiety, and frankly, it’s not cute. It makes my life (and the lives of the people I care the most about) really hard at times, and it stays with me everywhere I go. This is why I started imagining it in my mind as not ANXIETY the disorder, which is a big, scary word, but Anxiety, the six-inch-tall chihuahua that pees everywhere! Doesn’t that sound much less intimidating, and much more fun to be around? And to be honest, the disorder and the fictional dog really aren’t that different! Allow me to explain.
1. They both affect your performance at school.
The disorder:
“I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to print this paper out, Professor. You see, I stressed about choosing my topic for weeks, including all of last night, and then finally wrote it all in a two-hour frenzy this morning.”
The dog:
“Awww, you ate my homework again! AND peed on it!”
2. They both cause moisture.
The disorder:
“Fuck, I’m covered in sweat.”
The dog:
“Fuck, you’re covered in urine.”
3. They both make you crave junk food.
The disorder:
“Time to STRESS EAT!”
The dog:
“Haha, you look just like the Taco Bell dog! Mmmmm… Taco Bell…”
4. They both make it hard to do laundry.
The disorder:
“Wait, can you put tights in the washing machine? Should you? Will they shrink? Is it that you can wash them, but you can’t dry them? I really can’t afford to buy another pair of black tights. I only have $14.35 left in my bank account, and Emily hasn’t paid me back the $50 that she owes me, but I can’t remind her because I don’t want her to hate me forever. And these are my only pair. I better not risk it. Can I hand wash them? No, I don’t have time. Christ! Why has it taken me twenty minutes to put my laundry in the washer?! I’m going to be late for my meeting! And by late, I mean not five minutes early! Wow, I’m a piece of shit.”
The dog:
“Oh, Anxiety, look, you peed on the carpet! Now I’m going to have to wash it! Silly you!”
5. They both make people want to hang out with you less.
An actual text I’ve received:
“Well, what if we have the party without you? I mean, if [redacted name] makes you anxious, it’s not really fair to him if we don’t invite him, and I don’t want you to be freaking out the whole time.”
A fictional text I’ve never received:
“Your dog peed on my lawn and wilted my violets! Stay off my property, ya rascals!”
Unfortunately, the metaphor isn’t perfect. See, this is what happens when you tell people about Anxiety the Chihuahua versus your anxiety disorder.
“You have anxiety? Yeesh.”
“You have Anxiety? Cute!”
“Your anxiety is acting up and you don’t want to go out? Isn’t that a little selfish?”
“Your Anxiety is peeing everywhere and you don’t want to go out? Why don’t you take him to the vet?”
“Your anxiety needs meds? Those are so toxic to your body!”
“Your Anxiety needs meds? What kind? My dog could use some!”
Hmm. I guess they’re more different than I thought. You see, sometimes people need to see to believe. Chihuahuas are corporeal. Mental disorders, less so. And sometimes people don’t believe they exist, even when you’re shaking and crying and panicking and goose-bumping right in front of them. People like relatives, like professors, like employers, even like your average Liberal McProgressive, Class of 2017. Maybe it’s because anxiety is an emotion that we all have at some point. If you can control it by getting a good night’s sleep and not procrastinating, why shouldn’t I be able to control mine? Maybe it’s because it’s hard for a quote-unquote healthy mind to understand a disordered one. When I try to share my anxieties with even the people who love me the most, sometimes the more obscure ones (“You’re afraid of EDM? Seriously?”) still elicit ridicule. Maybe it’s because when it comes to mental illness, the world is still pretty fucking ignorant, and when it comes to anxiety in particular, the world is more focused on shoving me through the career and schooling path that’s expected of me while making sure I still do every extracurricular and apply to internships and socialize and come up with some identity for myself that other people will be able to digest and understand, than it is with seeing me be healthy and safe.
But oh, I’m sorry. We were talking about chihuahuas?
