If there’s one thing lady magazines have taught us, it’s that sex can never be too adventurous. Every month, they crack the codes to make sex even more puzzling for your partner. If it was up to them, you’d bring a Mary Poppins bag with the Kama Sutra inside it every time things were going to get frisky.
And yet, even those 50 item lists keep things pretty tame, and frankly, a little cliché. Chocolate sauce? Yawn. Blindfolds? Eh. A sexy bra? “Sexy” is a social construct and more than often caters to an objectifying and exploitative male gaze. Gross, ammirite?
Want to really surprise your partner? Knock their socks off? Startle them so much you end up on an episode of “Sex Sent Me to the ER?” Read on.
Fluorescence
Get your hands on a glow-in-the-dark condom. Do not let your partner know the truth about it so that they find themselves wondering for just a second if radioactive material somehow made it to your bed. Shake things up even more by making a “Schvrmmmm!” Iightsaber sound as you flip off the lights. Make them feel like they’re starring in their own cheesy Star Wars porno.
Flavor Town
Picture this: things are getting steamy. Clothes are coming off. Your partner’s hand makes its way into your underwear. They move their fingers to find something besides your crotch in there. It’s soft, it’s squishy, and it’s long. They pull on it to find a… *drum roll* Fruit Roll-Up. How can they not be taken aback by such a treasure?
Party of Three
Sex is a usually a private affair. Nothing kills the mood like an outsider walking in in the middle of the deed. Or does it? What if it wasn’t an accident, but an intentional move from your part to sauce things up with a little exhibitionism? The awkwardness and the adrenaline will heat things up and make you and your partner closer (as the most effective way to cover your bodies from prying eyes is with each other bodies’).
Hire an actor at least half as good as her.
Get Possessive
If you’re looking for unexpected, one of the things to really sneak up on you is a demonic possession. Now imagine if it happened mid-sex? The hell inside you would make things hotter, as will your newfound ability to turn your head and see your partner’s point of view. Or maybe your position doesn’t allow their face to be seen at all. Thanks to the creature fighting for total control over your mind, body, and soul, this will no longer be an issue.
Float above their expectations.
Blue It Up
The sexiest sculpture on all of Brown University campus is arguably Blueno that Ugly Fucking Bear. Take inspiration from this monstrous piece of art and exchange that Sexy Nurse costume for the most life-like Blueno cosplay you can think off. Your partner will never forget and having them help wash the blue body paint off will be nice after-play.
If you achieve the allure of this picture, you’ve succeeded.
Images via, via, via, via, and via. Photoshop by Gabriela Ramos Tavárez.
