Are you a woeful underclassman trying to get into those “lit” parties on Saturday nights? Are you turned away if you so much as look at the football player stationed at the door? Is your only entertainment option now to solemnly watch drunk people eating burgers at Jo’s? Well, well, well…that simply won’t do! Here are 5 ways NOT to end up eating mediocre french fries in a corner on the most “popping” night of the week.
- Play board games in your cramped dorm lounge. Pick a game according to your niche group dynamic. For those friend groups with an uncomfy dating history and oddly complicated love triangles, I recommend Cards Against Humanity. For you snooty humanities majors and Wordle pros, try Scrabble or Bananagrams. And for all you wannabe finance bros in Principles of Economics, break out that Monopoly set. As well as being super fun, board games are the perfect outlet for any roommate-related stress, especially after being exiled for an entire evening after a vague “hey-gimme-an-hour-don’t-come-in” text. Be ruthless and don’t be afraid to steal those hotels.
- Pretend to be in an acapella group and harmonize badly with your friends. Everyone will be out partying anyway, so there’s no need to worry about waking up the people in your dorm with your ear-shattering riffs. Think about it as a public service: you’ll be belting out pop tunes and horribly arranged Shawn Mendes medleys from the safety of your room, instead of annoying the unassuming people simply trying to pass through the Wayland or MoChamp arches.
- Build castles with the broken bricks on the front porch of Andrews. Since ResLife exhausted their budget on maintaining the sinks in every Andrews room, there are simply not enough resources to reinstall the missing pieces of the patio. So you might as well put them to good use…Lego style. Come and make art out of this obvious safety hazard, because as we all know, it couldn’t possibly look worse than Poo-No on the Main Green.
- Observe the nocturnal wildlife on campus. This includes (but is not limited to) skunks, tiny bunnies, raccoons, slightly bigger bunnies, and street rats. Note: Providence street rats are very different from New York City street rats. NYC rats are used to good pizza and the constant threat of a moving subway. Providence rats eat out of the Ratty trash cans and scurry away when they spot the Brown Shuttle. They’re the quirky kids on campus, and they even have a dining hall named after them.
- Sneak into a party. This option is risky, but effective if done right. You must have impeccable timing, since Brown parties are notorious for being shut down within the first hour. Recommended disguise options include:
- A buff athlete. You will need toilet paper padding, oversized sweatpants from the bookstore, and that free “Brown-Built” athletics t-shirt from the orientation volleyball game. Top off your disguise with a deep, bellowing “sup” and make sure to fist bump every person you meet.
- Confused UberEats driver. Show up with a pepperoni pie, garlic knots, and an impatient glare. Pizza may not have actually been ordered, but the party hosts don’t need to know that…
- Insomnia Cookies delivery man. Everyone loves overpriced dessert, so it’ll be easy to sneak in undetected, assuming you’re willing to spend $30 on your own box of cookies.
- Mysterious tall man in a trench coat. This requires two people, preferably with minimal back problems.
But maybe disguises aren’t your thing, so try hiding in a bush or shrub of your choice until the crowd dies down. If all else fails, crawl through the front door and hope nobody notices you.
While none of these methods are foolproof, I hope that they at least help break your lonely streak of greasy burgers and fries–or mozzarella sticks if you’re fancy–on Saturday nights. Sending peace, love, and luck for a wild weekend.