30 Things That New York City Did to Me

I was born and raised in Chicago, Illinois. Yes – within the city limits. I’m no suburban poseur. I’m not scared of urbanity. I’m a public transportation expert. I navigate crowds with ease. I can tell just by looking whether a taco cart will give you a foodgasm or the shits. But New York City has this way of making me feel like I spent my whole life on a farm in southeast Iowa. I’ve wanted to live there ever since my parents told me about their actor and artist friends who make it their home. I’m a walking stereotype every time I step off the PVD to NYC Megabus: wide-eyed amazement, gaping mouth, and “Empire State of Mind” playing softly in the background. I’m Thoroughly Modern Millie and Unbreakable Kimmy wrapped up in one. To be fair, though, it’s no wonder I’m so fascinated by it. The most interesting stuff always happens to me there. For instance…

1. Tim Gunn hit me with an umbrella by accident.
2. A pickpocket followed me into a Buffalo Exchange, but I lost him by hiding in a mink coat.
3. I walked fifteen blocks down Fifth Ave with “Classic” by MKTO stuck in my head because it has one terrible line that references “a Fifth Avenue diamond.”
4. A douchebag in a minivan splashed me with water, laughed at me, and then got rear-ended by a taxi.
5. I was strong-armed into a free juggling lesson in Bryant Park.
6. I was interviewed for a Spanish local news station about the nice weather.
7. I drank the best lemonade ever, and then felt too awkward to go buy another one, because who just randomly buys two lemonades?
8. A horse in Central Park tried to eat my hair.
9. I accidentally stole a baby’s hat.
10. I ran into a childhood friend who also lives in Chicago and just happened to be in NYC on the exact same afternoon in the exact same restaurant as me.
11. When trying to get from Soho to Chelsea, I ended up leaving Manhattan.
12. I lost my Metrocard.
13. I lost the Hamilton lottery.
14. I lost a staring contest with a pigeon when I was eating an ice cream cone.
15. I managed to eat a smelly cheese sample at Zabar’s without making a face like a toddler presented with broccoli.
16. I thought I saw Ryan Gosling, but it was just a very attractive pizza guy.
17. I won a free umbrella mere hours before it began pouring rain.
18. I bought a terrible slice of pizza and ate the whole thing.
19. I bought an amazing slice of pizza and couldn’t finish it.
20. I accidentally called a slice of thin crust “the best pizza I’ve ever had” and immediately received a call from Mayor Rahm Emanuel, who let me know that my Chicago citizenship had been revoked.
21. I scowled so fiercely that the tour guides outside Madison Square Garden assumed I was a New Yorker and didn’t ask if I’d be interested in their double-decker Sex in the City tour.
22. I got one of only two seats in the most popular restaurant in Chinatown when there was a line out the door, and sat there for an hour eating dumplings and gloating like a total dick.
23. I went into an Alice + Olivia, saw one price tag, laughed, and left.
24. I discovered the Times Square M&M Store has an extensive and terrifying security network, including secret code words and hidden microphones.
25. Someone offered me weed like a bully in a DARE anti-peer-pressure video.
26. Two cabbies got in a shouting match over who was there first to pick me up, so I got into a different cab while they were arguing.
27. A cabbie gave me a lecture on how Uber is ruining this country.
28. A cabbie honked at me because I stopped to pick up my glove. Not in the middle of the street. On the sidewalk. I was on the SIDEWALK.
29. I walked into an occult alchemy store that Google Maps said was supposed to be a comic book store, but bought something anyway.
30. I bought an I <3 NY shirt. Ironically? Unironically? Who can say?

While whether I heart New York may be in question, there’s no doubt that I do love it. It reminds me of my parents, who lived there when they were young and got engaged while trespassing on the roof of the Essex Hotel. It reminds me of how much I love to travel and explore cities independently. But I think most of all, it reminds me of how happy I am that my childhood idea of the future has aligned with my adult present (so far). I’m on the East Coast at a school that I love. I’m studying writing, humor, television, and media to prepare myself for a life of low career prospects in a city that I’ve undoubtedly over-romanticized–and I still can’t wait to finally move there. New York makes me feel optimistic, and I think it’ll take more than a few rainy afternoons and overly greasy meals to change that.

Play me out, Alicia.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g4IiccUjGps]

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