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Hey Ladies, welcome to our first edition of DYSTOPIAN COSMOPOLITAN. Today we come to you with the latest government-sanctioned fashion guidelines. Compare our drab state to the brilliant balls of the French Monarchy, or the bright neon that graced the “Instagrams” in 2018. These newly assigned twenty-five-thousand-and-six-hundred-fifty-nine governmental guidelines will help you dress like a true woman—whether you are firefighter, senator, or hovercraft operator, you will and always will be able to impress that man.
1. Dresses. While a rare sight on the streets today, we at DC want to refer you to the Middle Ages—the pinnacle of women’s rights. Women were called ladies, didn’t need to use their brains, and men even had a code of chivalry specifically designed to protect their fair maidens. This cordial treatment obviously stemmed from the women’s restrictive yet expansive clothing. Grab your corsets and ballgowns, throw out your books and opinions because this is the look that all men want for you.
32. Heels. Developed in 17th century Europe, when literal crap was on the streets, men and women both wore heels alike. In the age of auto-cleaning streets, we don’t need to deal with the literal crap anymore, but we are women. Studies show that 5-inch heels show off the lines of your legs to ensure peak sexual attraction to the onlooking man—trust us, they’ll be looking.
59. Pants. Back in 2016, a woman named Hillary Clinton wore these pantsuits while on a presidential election campaign. As we all know, Mr. Trump won that election. Coincidence? NO PANTS. Women who win men don’t wear pants.
2,876. Socks. Your ankles must be covered to a height of 3.45cm above the anklebone, a number specifically engineered by the Senate Committee on Women’s Clothing to ensure that there is an even distribution of skin and modesty. The only exception to this rule is stockings, all types. See Rule #4,729.
4,729. Stockings. For optimal stocking opacity, opt for black stockings (RGB value 0,0,0) and lower opacity to 30%. This standard value of stocking stocked in clothing stores today is designed to excite men and ensure maximal discomfort for the woman wearing them. Despite providing more coverage than socks (see: Rule #2,876) the lowered opacity is proven to walk the fine line between sexy and modest.
9,174. Leather jackets. Six out of ten men will avert their eyes from checking out a woman who is wearing leather jackets. Any sort of extreme rebellious clothing may scare men away. Pair your punk nature with excessive femininity, like a wedding dress! Cover that dark gothic makeup with some bug-eyed sunglasses or a veil, and remember, flower crowns go with everything.
11,243. Shorts. The only exception to the pants guideline (see: rule #409) are shorts that are longer than 9 cm and shorter than 12 cm. These are the only kind of pants that simultaneously scream slattern and virtuous at the same time, and therefore are the only kind of acceptable pants for us women.
Congratulations, you now know how to be a woman from the tip of your toes to the depths of your soul. If wearing a wedding dress, leather jacket, corset, ball gown, high heels, flats, one glove, short shorts, no pants, stockings, half dark makeup and half bride makeup simultaneously seems disorienting and even dangerous to your mental and physical health, you are doing it right. Go you!
Image via Joyce Lee