Although many of us are still recovering from the highs and lows of the 87th Academy Awards, we must momentarily put our troubles aside and look to the future — because it’s never too late to begin future Oscar speculation! Here are some of my thoughts that will hopefully come true a decade from now.
- First and foremost, none of us will own television sets anymore, so the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences will stream the ceremony directly into our brains. Isn’t the future great?
- The red carpet feminist movement #AskHerMore will have spiraled out of control. Instead of asking female celebrities about their dress or their cinematic achievements, interviewers will quiz them on their knowledge of history and politics in 17th century Eastern Europe.
- Christopher Nolan won’t be nominated for anything — by the year 2025, inception, black hole travel, and Batman will be real, and he won’t have any more ideas.
- In another Best Picture nomination for Richard Linklater, Young Adulthood will chronicle the next ten years of Ellar Coltrane’s life, filled with uninspired career changes, debilitating student loan payments, and increasing paranoia of constant surveillance.
- The highly contentious Barack Obama biopic will screen this Oscar season, but everyone will just whine about how the other Barack Obama biopic was better.
- Lupita Nyong’o will still be the best dressed.
- A ten years older and ten years twee-er Wes Anderson will direct a film that wins nothing but makeup and costume awards. Everyone will be fine with this — save for its leading man, a geriatric but nevertheless endearing Bill Murray.
- Someone born in 2018 will be nominated for Best Actor. All of the other nominees will gush over his little outfit while simultaneously wishing his parents kept his precocious self in theater camp.
- Jennifer Lawrence, after aging ever so gracefully, will win Best Actress for a film that people only kind of liked. But I mean, she’s just so quirky, right?
- We’ll be done with questionable, hypermasculine feature films about the military by then, won’t we? Ha! Of course not!
- There will probably be something by Woody Allen, who might be immortal. It will probably star an actor repairing his public image alongside a much younger and much more pleasant actress.
- It will be Jennifer Aniston’s year. I can feel it.
- Best Documentary will indisputably go to the documentary feature about Mars One, which will be very sad and full of people realizing that traveling to an uninhabited planet isn’t so great after all.
- Speaking of outer space: In a never before seen combination of Academy bait, Benedict Cumberbatch will be nominated for starring in a space travel movie. And if we’re lucky, he’ll stay there.
- This year will have an unprecedented number of nominees that are women and people of color in the film industry! I hope. Please, Academy, please.
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