Whenever I strut confidently into the liquor store, I feel like I need to impress whoever is working behind the counter. Obviously this is totally pointless because we both know I look 12 and we both know I’m going to walk out with alcohol regardless of my baby-face. Yet I still refuse to degrade myself by purchasing plastic handles of vodka. As it turns out, “Crown Russe” isn’t as regal as its name might suggest. Instead, I maintain a sophisticated charade as a desperate housewife in need of her white wine fix.
Unfortunately, the glamour of wine does not bode well with a college student’s budget. My happy compromise has been exploring the realm of box wine. One of my friends claims that all box wine is “ass.” But to that I say, if all box wine is ass, at least one brand must be equivalent to Nicki Minaj’s bodacious backside. Despite consulting sommelier resources, such as “Wine Spectator” Magazine and The Wine Pocket Bible, I could not find any information on my beloved box wines. So I took matters into my own hands and have devoted my life’s work to the honorable cause trying to find good box wine. With the help of my roommate, who has also masqueraded as a wine bar expert in Oxford, I now present a definitive ranking of box wine:
1. Black Box
Once you very easily lie about your age in order to enter Black Box’s exclusive (21+) website, a whole world of glamour and sophistication awaits. Black Box’s 40 Gold Medals are unmatched and set it apart from the posers. The clean black and gold aesthetics reflect the refinement of its nuanced flavors. Am I getting drunk off of the subtle hints of fresh grass and buttery finish, or the aggressive luxury that pervades the Black Box brand?
2. Fish Eye
Fish Eye’s superior aesthetic is unmatched by any of its fellow box wine competitors. Its octagonal shape and vibrant color options really set it apart from the rest. It’s so cute that I’m almost not embarrassed that people know I drink box wine when it shows up in the back of my Snapchats and Instagrams. Oh, and it tastes fairly decent, too.
3. Franzia
Teresa Franzia, winemaker and 20th century entrepreneur, might weep at the mediocre (at best) quality of her namesake box wine, but, regardless, Franzia is a classic college staple. While it’s a bit too sweet for my taste, it gets extra points for being the preferable alternative to the classic Everclear-Gatorade hybrid concoction at college parties. It’s aerodynamic shape and easy-pour nozzle are unmatched when it comes to suckling directly from the bag. And let’s be honest, you can’t play Tour de Franzia with a different brand of boxed wine, that’s just disrespectful.
4. Peter Vella 
Peter Vella boasts about “the difference you can taste” – with not so subtle notes of BPA seeping through its plastic bag, “Delicious White” certainly tastes different from the rest. In fact, it has an eerie resemblance to Welch’s grape juice, but miraculously manages to be even more saccharine. The nostalgic memories of my innocent childhood days isn’t something I particularly want to be reminded of while slapping the bag, but I am always encouraged by Peter’s loving gaze, which is featured on the back of every box.