1. Those tiny forks you get at fancy restaurants.
Holy hell, it’s tiny. Why? Why is it so tiny? What food could possibly exist that is so microscopically small that using this cute motherfucker actually makes it EASIER to eat? And also… do you think I could reasonably fit this into my purse without anyone noticing? Yes? Quick, spill your water so the waiter doesn’t see.
Edit: My sources (Google) have informed me that this tiny little baby is known as a “dessert fork”. Well, I can tell you one thing: if the size of the fork is at all proportional to the size of the chocolate cake that I ordered, we are going to have some very serious problems.
2. Cars that look like they have faces
Look at that face. Ugh. It almost makes me feel bad for cussing its driver out. And flipping him the bird. And lightly ramming my bumper into his over and over again.
But he still shouldn’t have cut me off.
Bonus round:
Jesus Christ, this truck looks like he just found out he has odometer cancer or something. F me if I’m not developing actual sympathy for a multi-ton hunk of metal.
Not all vehicles make the cuteness cut, though. My sources (Google) provided this as the top result for “cute bus.” [Ed: this is the bus that is going to drive us all straight to hell.]
Aaaaand now I’m never taking public transit again.
3. Jesse Pinkman
Come on, Ali. He’s a meth dealer. A METH DEALER. HE DEALS METHAMPHETAMINES. Spoiler alert–he’s killed a man! Kind of. He’s not cute, he’s not cuddly, you don’t want to wrap him in your arms and snuggle wuggle his wittle face…
Oh, who am I kidding. Yes I do.
4. Old people
Let’s face it. They’re old, they’re decrepit, and they always smell vaguely of prunes and day-old-cheese. But, despite their mechanical hips and various forms of arthritis, they’re adorable. Especially old couples. To know a love like that…
5. Ice cream
It’s not just a sweet treat, it’s also the cutest thing you’ll eat all day! Just look at this happy little frozen snack! And when you take a couple bites…
HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD MELT IT IN THE FIRES OF MOUNT DOOM.
6. This gif
No. Stop it. Stop laughing at this gif. You know what that gif is? It’s a bloodthirsty predator trying to bite the head off of a human infant. That lion wants to EAT that baby. Not play with it. Snap its neck and slowly tear off all of its flesh until nothing is left but half-developed bones. No, don’t make om nom nom noises for the lion. No, don’t. Stop it. Stop!
7. My resume, apparently
“Hahahaha, that’s cute.”
8. That moment during your divorce when you realize you never should have left your wife
You wouldn’t think it’s cute, given how closely your life resembles a crushing tragedy at the moment this idea comes into your mind. However, when I stared down at the paper that would finalize the complete dissolution of five years of marriage, I began thinking of my wife at the beginning, when we were first together, when she would bring me cookies without asking and wear sundresses on every date…
And wouldn’t ya know it? It was so cute back then! Your relationship, your new girlfriend, your youthful optimism… Haha! So cute.
9. The shape of the tearstains on my bedsheet!
Totally looks like a puppy, right? Hahaha!
10. Kitties
Not trying to be too controversial here, but I think it’s time that humanity admitted that the infant versions of cats are at least a teeny bit cute.
And at the very least, its distant predatory cousin will grow up to maul babies, and y’all will think that shit is adorable.
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