- Zombies
You know what they look like: pale skin, sunken eyes, random bruises. They wander around – dressed in half halter top and half pajama – and groan unintelligible phrases like “Aghhh…I’m never drinking again.” Your local Walking Dead are likely walking to Louis and like any other monster with half a brain, they will take up half of the restaurant, splay across an unnecessarily long table, and steal a mug on their way out. These creatures bring a whole new meaning to Sunday Scaries.
- Witch’s Brew
Being the festive bunch that they are, the Crew men celebrate spooky season in their own witchy way. Like the weird sisters of Shakespeare’s Macbeth, they gather around their cauldron – which looks deceptively similar to a Gatorade cooler – and double, double, toil, TROUBLE! Ladies, I don’t care how much that love potion tastes like a Moscow Mule, one sip and it’s do svidaniya. Between the rum, vodka, and kool aid, that jungle juice is one eye of newt away from straight poison.
- Werewolves
It’s Saturday night. The clock strikes midnight and suddenly the pack is on the hunt: the freshmen are out for blood…or more likely, beer. Prowling along the streets of Providence, clawing at the door of the nearest athletic house, and howling at the moon, “I’m sooooooo drunk” and “Tonight was a mooooovie.” You’re right Little Miss Jacob, it was a movie, and that movie was Twilight: you didn’t get the girl and you smell terrible.
- Frankenstein
Look, I know what you’re thinking: “I can fix him!” No babe, you’re not Dr. Frankenstein; it’s not your job to put the monster back together. Channel your affinity for thick-skinned and hollow creatures towards more fruitful endeavors…like pumpkin carving! Grab that knife and make like a freshman in bed: stab aimlessly and hope for the best! Unlike your Frankenstein, that Jack-O-Lantern may actually light up inside.
- Cursed Costumes
“Bro, I’m just gonna wear a sports jersey for Halloween.” Kevin, we get it. We saw Space Jam too, but no one is going to believe you’re Michael Jordan when we saw you struggle to carry a briefcase into Principles of Econ. I urge you, abandon your noncommittal ways and invest in your costume like it’s a new form of crypto; you might even score more than a few hoops!
- Goblins
And speaking of short kings, watch out for trolls who have emerged from under their bridges and taken residence in the doorway of your local Greek party. While these fratty Frodo Baggins may seem innocent enough, they are more dangerous than they appear. ”Name 3 brothers?” How about you name 3 roller coasters you could actually ride at Six Flags…didn’t think so. Remember, gnome means NO!
- Black Cats
Gentlemen – and I’m using that term loosely – don’t you know it’s bad luck for a black cat to cross your path? So quit calling at every girl in a black bodysuit on Thayer street. Remember, with freshly manicured claws and Title IX Lives, these Pussies tend to grab back.
- Vampires
I get it. He’s charming, he’s mysterious, and as a fifth-year senior he seems to have the pleasure of eternal life. But trust me, when Dracula finally lures you to that coffin of a single dorm and eyes your neck like it’s a plate of spicy rigatoni, you’ll be wishing you had that extra slice of garlic bread. And I don’t care how much he looks like Damon Salvatore, fight those fangs and leave the love-biting to the vampirical professionals…you may even save some concealer in the meantime!
- Ghosts
“Can I get your snap?” As if anyone needed another ghost in their life; trust me, we don’t need the mistakes of situationships past haunting you in 2 months. You’ll think it’s over and suddenly bibbidi–bobbidi–BOO, they’re back. Stay safe and stick to spirits of the liquid variety instead: guaranteed fun, not phantom!
- Graveyards
And this spooky season, don’t be a gravedigger. Leave those bones of a bad relationship exactly where you left them: six feet under the bare minimum. You buried the hatchet, now bury the boy! There’s no need to commemorate the grave with a “Hope you’re well” text, let him Rest In Peace in those nasty unwashed navy sheets. Odds are he’s withered away without you anyhow.