It’s October. My room is getting cold, everybody seems to have someone to impose a couples costume onto, and I’m typing questions into Google such as: “How do I get a boy to like me?”
One particular evening last week, when I should have been reading about death rates of children on the frontier, I found myself down a rabbit hole of middle school dating forums. While I first read these articles in middle school, I am hoping they can still apply to my life as a twenty-year-old, living her sexy single life in the great city of Providence, Rhode Island.
Before I go any further, I would like to just say that sometimes boys do find my middle-schooler that’s trying too hard aesthetic (and my propensity for making people uncomfortable) attractive, SO I’m not completely helpless in this department. I’m just… trying out some new things.
In the name of research, I decided to take a deep dive into some of my personal middle school e-mails.
After a week of dating and literally hundreds of emails, this screenshot seems to be the boiling point of one relationship:
First thing to notice is the backwards glancing picture, which is a good angle if you are hoping to predominantly feature your favorite ear. The date is January 1st, which is the perfect time to reassess relationships and truly ask your significant other what the hell they want from you. Also, I would like to pat myself on the back for not having a soccergirl63 or BigTimeRush34 email address.
Despite re-learning some of the pretty high level flirting skills displayed in this e-mail, I am always down to learn more.
So here are some incredible tips I learned from Wikihow’s “How to Get a Boyfriend in Middle School” and “How to Get a Boy in Midddle School to Like You.”
1. Practicing Good Hygiene
The article recommends scented body lotions, which is never a good idea. Plus, every human I have ever dated has had a particularly bad sense of smell, so I don’t know what that says about me.
2. Talk to Single Guys in Class by Asking What the Homework Is or Declaring That the Classroom Feels Like the Arctic
I say if you need the homework, hit up your good pal Canvas (fanfic Canvas erotica to come)! Also, apparently, if you yell that you’re freezing loud enough maybe the entire class will ask you out, because this is how flirting works, friends. The loudest and coldest person gets the most dates.
3. Break the Touch Barrier by Giving Him Hugs When you See Him
I tried this one on my way to Barus & Holley. After a protracted hug and a selfie, my friend said, “This had been the most awkward interaction of my life.” We have not spoken since.
Here is the selfie:
4. “Play with his hair. Don’t over-do it, though, or it will look strange, and he will want to stay away from you.”
This is my favorite middle school tip because no one has greasier hair than a middle school boy. Would I recommend this tip? Yah right.
And don’t forget my personal tip . . .
5. Relax, it’s only middle school.
But if you’re reading this as a sexy single college student, maybe you should be a little nervous.
Images via Katrianna Okamoto
This has been the most awkward article of my life