I like Star Wars. I’ve marathoned all six movies and considered dressing up as Leia for Halloween before I realized I couldn’t figure out how to do those buns with my hair. The Mos Eisley Cantina Band song was my ringtone through middle school (I was very popular).
If you haven’t seen it (and dear god, why haven’t you seen it?), Star Wars is an epic hero tale in its purest form, a young boy coming into his own and learning to fight the evils of fear, hate and CGI. There are a ton of ass-kicking dudes who kick ass and fight with lasers and save the day. Here’s the problem: when I said “dudes” in the sentence above, I was not using it in a gender-neutral, Full-House catchphrase way. I meant dudes. With penises. Or alien/robot penises (sometimes they’re not clear about that).
Let’s go through the characters of the holy trinity, shall we? The men, in ascending order of badassery: Ackbar, C3PO, R2-D2, Luke, Chewbacca, Boba Fett, Darth Vader, Yoda, Obi Wan, Han Solo. Bam. 10 right off the top of my head. And now for the women: Leia. And, um…. Leia. A princess, born into a position of power who gets kidnapped (twice) and needs to be rescued.
The only other double-x chromosomes in the Lucas universe? The space hookers, and the sex slaves chained to Jabba the Hutt. There’s also the woman who gives the rebels their instructions in Return of the Jedi (Mon Mothma if you’re trying to impress me, and if you knew that, we should probably get dinner), but I don’t think she’s even named in the movies, so Leia is pretty much it. One named woman in the entire galaxy and for the vast majority of the series she’s a hostage.
What type of twisted fantasy world does George Lucas live in where dudes just spend all day whacking their long, cylindrical swords together without any women nearby? Wait. Don’t answer that.